Definition of Love
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: YamakenxShizuku. Shizuku was unable to pinpoint when it happened, but even she recognized what she was doing once Natsume called her out on it in her blunt manner. Somehow, it failed to bother either her or Haru. It was just the natural progression of things. One shot.


_Title: Definition of Love_

_Rating: K and Up_

_Genre: Romance_

_Summary: YamakenxShizuku. Shizuku was unable to pinpoint when it happened, but even she recognized what she was doing once Natsume called her out on it in her blunt manner. Somehow, it failed to bother either her or Haru. It was just the natural progression of things. One shot. _

_Notes/Warnings: Yamaken/Shizuku; one shot; set after high school during university, ignoring the epilogue of Volume 12_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Tonari no Kaibutsu Kun_

X

_Definition of Love_

Shizuku looked up from her notes, as if something had disturbed her from her work. Seated at the table in the campus library, she was isolated and alone. She looked around and then made to return to her studying, but found herself pausing, setting her pencil down and drawing out a long sigh. Once upon a time, studying would have been able to vanish any distraction or bad day, yet even days later after the confrontation, there was a hollow, sick feeling in her stomach. Every day she found herself haunted by the same question, staring into space, nauseous and wanting nothing more than to hide beneath the covers in her bed. _When did it get to this? _she wondered, not for the first time. She could recall Natsume's angry tears, Sasayan's worried glance from her to the couple, and then complete silence from Haru. The scene had been burned into her mind.

"Don't you love him anymore?" Natsume was practically hiccupping, tears overflowing as she stared at Shizuku desperately. The four of them had decided to join up together, just like in high school, but Natsume, always closer to Haru, discovered that he hadn't had much time with Shizuku. It had been gradual. Through the first year of university, their relationship had remained consistent, yet even their friends had noticed that Shizuku began to avoid seeing Haru more often and when out with their friends, there was a strange tension between them though they were still smiling and acting as usual. Until that moment when Natsume confronted Shizuku, it had been as if there were a tight string between them, drawing tighter and tighter until it finally had snapped.

"No," Shizuku said, sounding as surprised to realize it as her friends did to hear it. Haru, for his part, looked at her calmly, quite unlike Natsume or Sasayan would have expected. "No, I...don't think I do..."

"Haru?!" Natsume whipped around to look at him, shocked at his composed expression.

"It's okay, Natsume," Haru said and stepped towards Shizuku, taking her hand and lifting it to his lips, smiling at her. "I've known for awhile...That's why you've been avoiding me, isn't it?"

"I...I didn't – " Shizuku began uncertainly.

"No, Shizuku," he spoke softly, "don't apologize for something you can't help. I always said, didn't I, that you'd get over me eventually? I'm grateful...for everything you've given me...and everything that I've been able to give you." He smiled at her and while there was a touch of sadness in it, there was also a bit of relief, as if he were finally glad to be letting her go.

_How long had he known of my feelings before I did? _she wondered to herself presently, drawing a flower at the corner of her notes and outlining the edges darkly. _He must have suffered for a long time by himself...that's so like Haru. _She sighed and dropped her pencil again, crossing her arms and resting her forehead against them in defeat. _I just don't understand how it happened or what could have caused it. I was happy with him, he always knew how to make me laugh, to keep my happy, so why – ?_

"Oi, this isn't a place for naps."

Shizuku raised her head, turning her eyes impassively to the owner of the voice. "Yamaken?" she queried.

He blinked. "Mizutani?" His eyes swept over her face with thinly-veiled concern. "Up all night studying?" He nodded to her books to indicate what he was talking about.

Shizuku glanced down at her books with a surprisingly lack of interest. She occasionally saw Yamaken on campus since they both went to the same university, but it was rare that they ever had classes together or studied together while she was dating Haru. Somehow, Yamaken seemed to show up at the most inopportune times, when she feeling her most vulnerable and weakest. Nonetheless, she was glad for his interruption in her thoughts. He always had a calming, peaceful effect upon her. "No...nothing like that. I just haven't been able to sleep lately." She rubbed her eyes. "Sorry."

Yamaken considered her for a moment and then glanced away, pursing his lips in thought. "I was going to go get some tea...want to come? Look like you could use it." She peered at him and then dug in her pocket for money, recalling that she had left her wallet in her apartment. "On me," he hastily added.

"Oh...are you sure?"

"Yes, of course!"

She paused a beat and then nodded, collecting her things into her bag and after getting into her warm coat, followed Yamaken through and out of the library. It was brisk and cool outside, making her blink at the cold air and dig her scarf out of her bag. After wrapping it around her neck, she pulled it up in order to keep the lower half of her face warm. She noticed Yamaken glance at her, but he remained silent. The two of them walked in companionable silence towards the campus café. Shizuku was thankful for the warmth once they stepped inside. This winter was colder than usual, weather to which Shizuku was unaccustomed.

After Shizuka got them seats, Yamaken went and ordered them tea and returned shortly after, as the café didn't appear to be busy. "So, what happened?" he asked her after settling in and letting her blow on the hot tea for a moment. She paused, raising her dark eyes up to his face.

"Haru and I broke up," she answered blandly.

Yamaken raised an eyebrow. "What? You two seemed to be doing fine."

"I...don't think we were," Shizuku said in an uncertain tone, warming her hands with the tea. "The truth is...I don't even know when it started to go wrong. I just found myself enjoying him less, wanting to be around him less, and...people noticed. Haru knew that I didn't feel the same way anymore before I even did. I guess I thought it was just natural, to start to feel that way after you've been in a relationship after awhile." She sighed and blew on her tea a bit more. "I guess I was wrong."

"You don't know anything about relationships, do you, Mizutani?" Yamaken asked in an exasperated tone.

"No, I don't."

"Love isn't supposed to be something that fades or makes things go away," he told her, taking a drink of his own tea. "All of these couples that start to settle into 'comfort,' that's not real love. I'm not an expert, but love is supposed to be something that lasts throughout the years. You might have to quick start the romance sometimes, but the feeling never fades, it never dims or diminishes. You had the romance down – he was always bound to be doing something new – but something obviously made the feeling disappear." He turned his calm eyes to her over his mug of tea. "Do you want my honest opinion?"

"Actually, yes," she said slowly. "I do. Maybe it will help me understand things better."

"Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

"Huh?" She blinked, baffled at the question and put a hand to her face self-consciously.

"Any time I've seen you in the past couple months, you've always looked like you haven't slept in days, like you're being physically drained to the core." He averted his gaze, saying, "Maybe he just exhausts you."

Shizuku was silent, absorbing this information as he drank his tea. Absent-mindedly, she raised her cup to her lips to drink. It was still warm, but not hot enough to burn. Somehow, she recalled the exhaustion in high school when she was with Haru. It had been faint and she had known it was there, yet it had been from worrying over Haru and their relationship. Now, the exhaustion she had been feeling had nothing to do with worry or concern – it was just pure, raw exhaustion from Haru and his personality. He was vibrant and bright, full of life and energy, whereas Shizuku felt like she had to run five times as fast just to keep up with him, to push herself to be someone else, to smile when she would prefer otherwise. Was she someone else entirely and was it a good or bad thing? In some ways, Shizuku knew that Haru had pushed her for the right reasons, just as she had done to him, but at the same time, she felt that he had unintentionally pushed her with his energy and it had done more damage than it had helped.

"That's not Haru's fault, though," she said softly at last. "That's just how he is...and I hurt him deeply because I couldn't accept who he was." She found her vision blurring and hastily set her tea down, surprised by the tears.

Yamaken started in surprise to see her crying so openly and glanced around the café to ascertain that nobody saw in case they thought _he_ was the cause of her tears. "Mizutani – Shizuku – are you...?" His question trailed off as he realized how idiotic it was. _Are you okay?_ Obviously she wasn't otherwise she wouldn't be crying.

"I'm sorry, Yamaken," she sniffled, hastening to wipe her eyes. "I just...I feel horrible for mistreating Haru this way."

Yamaken almost sighed aloud at her selflessness. Here she was, single after a steady relationship, and all she thought about was how she had apparently hurt Haru – not the other way around. Grimacing, unsure of what to do, he stood up after a moment and moved to the couch that she was seated on and pulled her against him, pressing her face to his shoulder. He felt her still in alarm and then her shoulders shook with her tears. He was surprised when her fingers bunched around his coat, clinging to him as she cried in his shoulder. He released a tiny sigh, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug, resting his head against the top of hers. It was an embrace he had always wanted, but never in these circumstances. The sight of seeing Shizuku cry was rare and broke his heart. She had always been so honest and straightforward, unafraid of what people thought of her blunt words, yet when it came to her unintentionally hurting Haru's feelings, she shed tears. It frustrated him beyond belief.

"Are you sure you don't still love him?" he asked doubtfully.

"I'm not crying because I love him," she said, her voice muffled in his jacket. "I'm crying because I don't think I ever really loved him the way he loved me."

To this, Yamaken had nothing to say, holding her silently. He had maintained from the beginning that he didn't think they were good together and that, while she liked him, she didn't have as strong of feelings for him as she thought. Even she had admitted that it was a possibility; she had gone forward in spite of that information, though, and Yamaken could do nothing about the pain she was feeling now. He wondered if Haru had come to the same conclusion as she had determined.

_Damn it, I'm not here to be a rebound,_ Yamaken thought to himself while holding Shizuku in his arms.

When she pulled away from him, he obligingly released her, keeping an arm on the back of the couch, watching her mildly. "Thank you," she mumbled, wiping her face and averting her face from him. Her eyes were red and watery from crying, but she looked almost prettier after crying. "I'm sorry for crying all over your jacket."

"It can handle a few tears," he assured her smoothly. "Listen, Mizutani...are you going to be okay?"

She blinked up at him and offered a shaky smile. "I will be, thanks to you. You always put me at ease, Yamaken."

_And you always fire me up, _he thought wryly.

X

Shizuku exited the professor's office after receiving her exam marks, feeling rather satisfied. It had been several weeks since she and Haru had broken up and after talking to Yamaken in the café, she had contacted Haru and told him her realization and apologized. He had been kind in his words, admitted that it was partially his own fault for pushing his affections on her, although he told her that he felt they _had_, in fact, been in love and that he wouldn't have traded their memories for anything in the world. It gave Shizuku a sense of closure and while Natsume cried for both of them, it seemed as if they were both at peace with how things ended. Unfortunately, Haru told her that he would be unable to remain friends with her because his feelings hadn't changed, something that Shizuku expected. She had thought that she would miss him a good deal, such as when Yamaken had told her that he wouldn't be her friend, but she found that it was far easier a feat to handle.

That, however, brought up a more confusing question.

Initially, Shizuku had ignored the comparison, yet after several weeks of considering upon it – and also seeing Yamaken more often now, usually in the library – she found herself unnerved by the thought. She had never regretted rejecting Yamaken the second time in spite of him giving her quite a bit to think about; however, she began to wonder how these years would have played out if she had chosen him rather than Haru. Part of her knew that she had chosen Haru because she knew he needed her and a part of her needed him to a certain extent. Even so, in contemplating on it, she was aware that a small piece of her had felt a certain fondness for Yamaken, except that it hadn't taken the almost obsessive quality that her feelings for Haru had, so she had mistaken it for friendship. Even now, she found herself enjoying the same things in Yamaken as she had before – even his horrible sense of direction.

_Will be a bit late,_ he had texted her one day when meeting in town for lunch.

_What are you standing by? _she had texted back.

_A giant statue of a frog._

_You're still on campus._

_Oh._

In spite of being as intelligent as he was, she found his hopelessness in navigating endearing and the more time she spent with him, she more she found herself wondering what would happen if one of them confessed. She never expected him to offer her a third confession, so she knew that if it did happen, it would have to be from her. The thought was horrifying, especially since it had been such a long time since he had professed any feelings for her and she was a coward at heart, unable to show such emotions that boldly. Additionally, she was still unsure where her feeling stood as far as Yamaken was concerned.

"Yamaken," she said, noticing the boy in question at the doors. "I told you not to wait for me."

"I know, but I wanted to talk. Do you have some time?"

"I suppose. Can we do it on the way to the library?"

"Sure."

As they exited the building, Shizuku kept stealing glances at him, waiting for him to say something. He seemed to be sorting his thoughts out in his head. After awhile, he stopped and took her hand in his. "Mizutani – Shizuku...this is really hard for me to say."

_Is he really going to confess for a third time?_ she thought to herself in wonder.

"I can't be a rebound for you."

"...a what?" she asked blankly, having never heard of the term.

"A rebound boyfriend!" he said impatiently, looking flustered.

"_Boyfriend?_" she repeated, heat swimming into her face. "What? What?"

Neither of them said anything, both of them startled at each other's reaction. Yamaken controlled himself, clearing his throat and looking away before glancing down at her. "You're blushing. Why are you blushing?"

"Why are you talking about boyfriends?" she retorted, reddening even further. "I've only been out of a relationship for a couple weeks..."

There was another brief silence.

"Don't tell me you _like_ me, Mizutani?" he asked in a sly voice.

"I never said that," she emphatically stated, yet her glowing cheeks said otherwise.

He smirked almost triumphantly and then sighed, frowning. "Listen...I don't want to be a guy that you turn to just because you're not dating Haru – not that I'm saying you're the type to do that," he quickly added when her mouth opened, "but those type of things...they don't last. I guess what I'm saying is...I still like you."

Shizuku slanted a look up at him, unwilling to let the bubble of happiness inside of her affect her outward expression. She ruthlessly stomped it down in her mind and instead tucked her hair behind her ear. "Well...I like the way you make me feel."

A corner of his mouth tilted up. "You've always said that."

She smiled, in spite of trying to keep her expression neutral. "Because it's true." Her heart stuttered a bit when he reached down with his hand, cupping her cheek in his palm. His mouth pressed against her briefly, moist and warm, before he drew away. She could feel her cheeks burning again, so she averted her gaze, her tongue darting out to lick her lips.

"Then, let me make you fall in love with me...so that you'll know that you got it right this time. But first...take some time to yourself and your studies." He smiled when her eyes flew up to meet his. "I'm not going anywhere." His hand tightened around hers.

"Neither am I," she promised, squeezing his hand back. Silently, to herself she thought, _And I think I've always been in love with you, Yamaken._

_Fin_

X

A/N: So, this is my first attempt at a _Tonaru no Kaibutsu Kun_ fanfiction. I just finished the manga tonight and I was rooting for Tamaken the entire time and the ending of the manga seemed a bit of a cop-out and it felt like the author honestly was conflicted with who Shizuka should be with, _hence,_ the fanfic :) please leave a review on your way out – hopefully I will storm up some more ideas for this couple – and let me know how you liked, if they were in character, etc.


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